New Year State of Mind

You know, looking back at the past year, I can honestly say that although it's been one of the hardest I've been through in some respects, it's also been the most fulfilling and has certainly taught me a lot about who I am and what I want from my life. Which made me realise that while I can be a cynical little bitch a lot of the time, there is also much, much, much to be thankful for. So, right now, as corny as it is, I would like to thank you, all my friends and family all over the world - and the universe of course - for a wonderful life. I hope that all of you have a beautiful New Year! Live your dreams! Love and happiness to you...

Stuff that's happened this year:

1.) My first wedding anniversary to the wonderful Aman!
2.) I got my diving license. (That's diving, not driving...) ;)
3.) I travelled to places I've never been to! (India, Oman and in and around the UAE)
4.) Aman and I bought a Dodge Charger!
5.) Aman and I both found great new jobs and met wonderful new people because of it.
6.) Aman and I moved into a great hotel apartment which was just what we needed at the time, and then found something even more amazing (for the same price) just when we needed that! (Thanks universe! I noticed that!)
7.) Made amazing new friends from around the world.
8.) Read some awesome books and learnt some interesting new words! (powow, caliginous, lagniappe, chaffer)
9.) Had some amazing parties at our apartment and other awesome get togethers at our friends' places.
10.) Pierced my ears!
11.) Tried new food!
12.) Had interest in two of my children's stories which will hopefully translate into TV shows in the future! (Hold thumbs for 2011!)
13.) Started and kept up with one blog (at least)!
14.) Met my gorgeous nephew over Skype!
15.) Did my first ever stand up gigs!


Here's to a wonderful and even more eventful 2011 everyone!
xxx
Angela

Ay ay me-maties!

Pirates! I f***ing love them! There are all sorts of pirates... Old school Captain Hook pirates, modern day gun toting African pirates, bum pirates (although I don't love them so much), music and film pirates (which basically makes all of us pirates!), cyber pirates, beer pirates and female pirates, one of whom is the subject of my blog this fine and sunny day.

So, female pirates! Yes! Just because they had a vajayjay doesn't mean they couldn't swing their swords with the best of them. Awilda, aka Alwilda, was a chick pirate. Well, at least that's what the stories of old claim...

According to legend, Awilda was the daughter of a 5th century gothic Scandinavian King who arranged that she be married to a the Crown Prince of Denmark, a man called Alf. Being a pirate in the making, Awilda basically told her dad to piss off before dressing like a sailor and taking control of a ship! (And you thought modern girls were wild!)

One day, shortly after dressing like a sailor, Awilda and her buddies were steering their newly acquired ship along when they come across a massive pirate ship that had recently lost its captain. I’m not sure how they “lost” their captain, I mean, it sounds bit odd to me… But anyway, so Awilda's friends nominated her as the new captain of the scary pirate ship! What good pals they were.

Meanwhile, back in Danish land, the King of Denmark (her would-be father-in-law) was furious!
"Who dare deny my son?!" He cried.
And with that he sent forth his soldiers (and his son Alf) to fight the "irksome" pirates! Gasp!

Prince Alf and his men boarded the ship in their fancy clothes and basically kicked all the pirates asses, including Awilda, which kind of sucks because I was hoping she would be the anti-hero-hero in this story. Anyway, when Awilda saw Prince Alf swinging his sword around like the man he was, she revealed her true identity and agreed to give herself to him in holy matrimony. It is said they married on board (that must have been one hell of a party) and lived happily ever after as the King and Queen of Denmark.

THE END

Writer's blog

Yet again I have abandoned my blog for too long. I apologise profusely for this. Since we've all moved on from this tragic event, I think you should know that I've had three realisations today:

1.) I realised that I have this strange relationship with my blog. You know the way some people name their cars and start creating personas for them? Well, that's how it is with my blog. When I don't write on it for a while, it's tantamount to abuse (in my head). Not writing on it is like not feeding it or not giving it water, or telling it to shove off when it wants a hug. I know that might sound insane. I mean for god's sake it's just a blog, right?

2.) I am a serial blogger. I have another three to five blogs (that I recall at the moment) on several blogging sites all over the internet. I don't even use these. Ever. I think I like the 'clean' space of a new blog. The potential for pages and pages of intelligent commentary. (Hahahaha.) So I set them up and give them quirky names and I think "this is the blog... THIS is the one... that will make me famous and rich like that Julie Powell woman". (Look her up if you don't know who she is.)But they never do. Ha! But it's okay because I really like writing anyway. Even if it is drivel.

3.) When I get that panic attack feeling of not having written on my blog for ages and I think "I'd better write something... ANYTHING", that is when I get writers blog. (That's like writer's block, but for blogs.) The weird thing is, I do actually do things in my life. I am a busy person with loads to talk about, but when it comes to writing things down for my blog, my brain freezes up and I start making sounds like someone with a sock in their mouth. Which I find very odd. I think it's some kind of performance anxiety. Now, having said this, I really need to go and think about something to write about. If you have any ideas please pop me a message. Hope you're rocking out on the dark side. Cheers. xxxx

Don't forget about Anomore (Down with Bad Love)

Hey peeps!
Hope you're rocking out on the dark side.

Just a reminder to send me some shiz for Anomore (Down with Bad Love) when you have a free moment and if you even give a shit. (Anomore is a Facebook Group dissing bad love....)

Go to Facebook and type in 'Anomore (Down with Bad Love)'.

Then share the (bad) love: illustrations, musings, graffiti, thoughts, jokes, whatever.

See you soon!

x
Angelita

We are friends

Dubai and I have a love-hate relationship.
For the moment, we love each other.

Today the silver steel and crane city offers itself to me unreservedly.

Although it is winter.

Perhaps it wants my warmth?

No matter. This season I will share my glow with it; we are good friends after all.

(And what is a good friendship if not a tumultuous and sometimes brutal one?)


We share our stories - drenched in shisha scent (apple and mint) - with mutual friends, who sit bathed in burnt orange light; mannequins of Creek Side.


We bite down on chunks of bread smoothed with butter that boasts a texture even icing sugar would envy.


We watch the cable cars dangle - high above the stretching, reaching, yearning green of Creek Park - like Chinese lanterns celebrating something we don't quite get. (And we all wonder, secretly, what the cable car travellers are thinking; the photos they are taking; the jokes they are telling.)


Fresh pineapple juice burns my throat.


A duck dives down into the water a few feet away; silver head sinking into crushed velvet water the colour of black jaguars in jungles I might never see.

I am the only one (on the entire planet) who saw it go under.

Is that beautiful?

Meaningful?

I believe so.


We shiver.


The cold light of evening creeps along our arms; kisses our cheeks.


I did not bring a cardigan. (Such a funny word: cardigan. I like it.)


Our laughter trickles down my spine like syrup.


I remember that the winter is always good to me here.


It makes me smile; its wicked baby whirlwinds tossing leaves into galaxy shapes.


I love its cooling waters lapping the shore like a thirsty transparent tongue; burnt orange skies, egotistical buildings standing proud on the skyline; fresh fish's cooked flesh like fluffy clouds floating on my plate; quieter sounds that drift lie feathers; silhouettes of birds (we like to think they're bats); loving glance from Aman (sideways and down his nose; a sunbeam through the roof).

 Yes.

Dubai and I are friends.

Today the silver steel and crane city offers itself to me unreservedly.

And I offer it my warmth.

get up stand up

Here's a video of one of my stand up performances. Enjoy!
I am about to eat some butter chicken and dhal now (seriously!) so I will add something else to this blog soon. ;)
Til then, have fun whatever you do!
xxx
Ange

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6dX6C-yjG8

Everyone's invited (for free)!

So, I’ll be performing my stand up act at the Dubomedy International Performing Arts Festival's opening night tonight!

The festival's bringing you four days of shows and workshops, ranging from comedy to theatre, music and more – for free! (Except for the Big Comedy Show on Friday night, which is gonna be rocking and which is so worth paying for!)

Swing by DUCTAC, Mall of the Emirates at 7pm, grab a seat (for free) and check out some styling improvisers, drop-yo-jaw dancers and slap-yo-sides-laughing stand up comics!


Take a peek at the poster (on the left) for more details on where and when and how and why.

See you there!

an ode to stumbleupon.com and other news

It's time for me to just come right out and say it.
www.stumbleupon.com is one of the most underrated websites on the internet. Let me put my opinion of this website across to you gently: It's frikkin awesome, do you hear me?

Instead of spending ALL your time on Facebook and/or Twitter, spend half an hour on www.stumbleupon.com and then paste all the awesome stuff you find onto Facebook and/or Twitter. Smart huh? (And a win win!) (And if you start bitching about how long it takes to register on the stumbler, you're full of poop. Stop telling your friends how wonderful your life is for five minutes and spend two of those minutes getting your registration in order. For the next three minutes, bask in the glory of your geniousness. You'll thank your lucky stars, soon-soon.)

Don't forget you heard it here first. (Sort of.)




Now, onto other news.

Formula One
Aman (my husband) and I watched the Formula One last night. Was a fairly decent race. Nothing AMAZING overall, but entertaining nonetheless. Don't know if you heard, but Jenson Button was almost hijacked in Sao Paulo. (Before the race, not during. Doh.) According to reports, this past Sunday (yesterday) Button was being driven in his armoured car by his plain clothes policeman protector dude (you know, the usual Sunday hangout routine) when five or six armed gunmen sort of "stalked" the car and then started running towards it when the plain clothes policeman got suspicious and began driving through the traffic. (Bashing cars up on the way might I add.) But Button escaped safe and sound and was able to race another day! Thanks plain clothes policeman!

The centre of the galaxy taste of raspberries and smells of rum
Yes. In a bizarre twist, scientists have discovered that the centre of the galaxy might very well taste like raspberries and smell like rum. Yum! Yum! How did they find this out?  Well, the discovery follows years and years of hard slog by astronomers who trained their 30m radio telescope on the enormous ball of dust and gas in the hope of spotting complicated molecules, like amino acids, that are vital for life. Finding these in interstellar space is the million dollar lottery win for astrobiologists, as this might very well raise the possibility of life emerging on other planets after being seeded with the molecules. In this latest observation, astronomers sifted through thousands of signals from Sagittarius B2, a vast dust cloud at the centre of our galaxy and, while although they didn't find evidence for amino acids, they did find a substance called ethyl formate, the chemical responsible for the flavour of raspberries.

Arnaud Belloche, an astronomer at the Max Planck Institute for Radio Astronomy in Bonn, told the Guardian online: "It does happen to give raspberries their flavour, but there are many other molecules that are needed to make space raspberries." Curiously, ethyl formate has another distinguishing characteristic: it also smells of rum. Delish! Now all we need to do is build a time machine and head out there as soon as frikkin possible!

To invisibility and beyond!

According to the BBC's website, scientists in the UK are working on a flexible film that could create something very similar to the invisibility cloak that Harry Potter made famous. The film that the cloak would be made of contains tiny structures that together form a metamaterial, which can, among other tricks, manipulate light to render objects invisible. Nice! Apparently, flexible metamaterials have been made before, but only work for the light of a colour far beyond that which we see.

This is Halloween! This is Halloween!

So it's nearly Halloween peeps. Awesome!
I am throwing a Halloween party tonight which should be fun.

One crap thing though: trying to convince people in Dubai to dress up is like trying to make a bear bark like a dog and then break dance. Seriously. Why? Tell me why? It's meant to be fun!

Hopefully my incessant nagging will pay off and more than five people will come dressed up. Will let you know. Anyway enough of my bitching now. Here are ten top (weird) myths (and sometimes facts) about Halloween:

1.) Orange and black are the colours of Halloween because orange is associated with the fall harvest and black is the colour of darkness.

2.) Turnips and beets once served as the original Jack O’ Lanterns.


3.) According to superstition, if you stand in front of a mirror at midnight you’ll see the reflection of your future spouse just over your left shoulder. (I don't know how this works if you're married...)


4.) You can sprinkle salt and oatmeal on your child’s head to keep him or her from being possessed.


5.) In England, white cats instead of black ones are thought to be bad luck.


6.) Burning a candle inside a Jack O’ Lantern on Halloween is believed to keep demons and evil spirits at bay.


7.) To meet a witch on Halloween night put your clothes on inside out and walk backwards.


8.) Gazing into the flame of a candle on Halloween night will allow you to see into the future.


9.) If you hear footsteps behind you on Halloween night don’t turn around, for it may be Death himself! If you look him in the eye you'll hasten your demise!


10.) If a bat flies around a house three times, it is considered a death omen.

Happy Halloween! Take pictures!

Dear G**

Dear G**

We've spoken before but I thought I'd write You a letter. (I'm sure You don't get letters that often and almost everyone I know loves a letter in the post. Is it the same in Heaven?)

All is okay here on earth, I guess. I mean, things aren't meant to be too easy right? That would kind of defeat the whole purpose of why we were put here in the first place. (Well, at least that's what I think anyway.)

I'm in a bar at the moment, drinking a Stella. It's probably not a very good idea to just go ahead and blurt that right out to You, but I figure You probably already know.

I've had a stressful day. What am I talking about? I have had a stressful few months! We've never really spoken about how stressful being a person can actually be. Jees! If I'd known back in 1982 when I was born I might have just opted to come to this planet as a fish, or a penguin, or maybe a hippo. But then again, with all the people living on earth now - hunting and pillaging and barbecuing - that might have been a tough life too. I'm sure it's not that simple though; just choosing what you want to come to earth as. If it was there'd probably be very few people living on the planet. (Is that a bad thing?) It's not that I don't like people, I am one after all... It's just that as I get older I realise more and more that a lot of the stress I'm packing on board is caused by people (Myself included.)

We're a strange bunch, us people. Such an ingenious design all round, yet capable of such ghastly things. I guess that goes for most beautiful things though. I mean, look at the sun. Or rather, don't look at the sun! It's gorgeous, but it'll turn our eyes into deep friend Mars Bars. Or jaguars (the cat, not the man-made gas guzzler). They're gorgeous too but they're not exactly Mary Poppins are they? Try and pet one of those and see what happens.. (Well, not You. You'd probably be fine. I'm talking about people.)

Anyway, I should probably get back to my beer. I have a friend coming by in a bit for a chat and my husband is done reading his Wheels magazine so I should stop being so anti-social, if you know what I mean.

I'm not entirely sure where I should post this letter, so I am going to read it out to you when I get home.

Have a good evening,
Angela

A poem for the air conditioner

AC, AC, you really suck. 

For you, my dear, I could not give a f***. 

You make me cold, 

You make me freeze,

You make me wear socks pulled up to my knees.

I long for the days of warm summer sun,

on my face, my legs, even my naked bum.

All I get is severe back pain,

from smashing you up I must refrain.

The irony of all of this (at the very least)

is that I'm freezing my ass off in the Middle East.

In humidity and heat of up to 50 degrees.

Instead of getting a tan, I only freeze.....

Me. Making people laugh. Well, trying to anyway....

Click on this link - http://www.dubomedy.blogspot.com/ - to check out a piece I wrote for Dubomedy - a performing arts community in Dubai - about my experience taking comedy classes and then doing my first stand up show. Once you've read it -  and if you're in the area - take a class! :D We could all do with a well oiled funny bone. x

How to save the world!

So you want to save the planet but you you're a little lazy right now. Okay, a lot lazy. That's okay, for today. Here are five lazy ways to help save the planet - and therefore a cute little polar bear, and a beautiful butterfly and maybe a tree in the Amazon. Really, everything is linked, so no matter how small your contribution, it is still a valid contribution. But, obviously, the less lazy we are the better it is for the planet. So kick lethargy in the butt - even if it's only tomorrow - and let's save the world!

Turn off the lights - I used to get so annoyed when people told me to turn off the lights; I really had no idea how it would make that much of a difference. But it does. Aside from saving energy, it also saves you money. So please, for the sake of Antarctica, turn off your lights when you're not using them.

Stand by - Probably the two most useless words of the twenty first century. Seriously, nothing needs to be on stand by. If your electronic device doesn't need to be on, turn it off. Completely. By the way, that whole thing about turning your devices on and off over and over again being bad for them is rubbish. So, please, for the sake of the Amazon, skip stand by. Turn it off!

Recycle - Recycling does require a little more effort, but really, when you get into the swing of things, it becomes a lot easier. Separate your glass, plastic and paper and then pop them into your area's nearest recycling bin. It takes a few minute, but it really doses make a massive difference to the planet you're living on. With cute little panda bears and baby tigers.

Catch the bus... - ...Or the train, or ride a bicycle. Public transport cuts out carbon emissions and, although it may not seem like it, really makes a massive difference. Plus, you can read your favourite book or catch a snooze!

for aman

once there was a little girl
who laughed herself to sleep
her mother made her bite her tongue
told her not to make a peep

but so happy was she
how warm her heart
she laughed until she burst

tiny speckles of heart
and shimmering giggling dust
falling down to earth

always fire

down at the river
the blood washes off
swirling
like ribbons
then breaking
like red glitter floating
shimmering
glinting in the sun
gliding down the river
in search of peace

the women come here
to wash the clothes
stained from war
wiping food from childrens' mouths
talking of the animals' nightmares
their husbands' habits
and their own fetid dreams

since the bombs stopped
the village is quiet
washed in blue sky
the dust has settled
on the red rooves of houses
baking in the sun

the children wonder
why the silver flying machines have gone
and if the men with guns
will return to share their dinners
and drink their water

they draw pictures
men shouting
screaming
running
and fire
always fire

down at the river

the blood washes off
swirling
like ribbons
then breaking
like red glitter floating
shimmering
glinting in the sun
gliding down the river

in search of peace

the women still come
to wash the clothes
stained from war
wiping food from childrens' mouths
talking of the animals' nightmares
their husbands' habits,
and their fetid dreams
because they have nowhere else to go

Ink

I love kid's stories. I love writing them, I love reading them, and I especially love looking at their drawings, illustrations and animation. Thought I'd share a few gorgeous (and random) images/illustrations/animation with you..... X

PS. Woke up on completely the wrong side of the bed today. These made me feel a little better. ;)

I often fantasise about having a big beautiful house, built on a massive and lush piece of land where I can grow wild flowers and vegetables and, on weekends, drink tea from an antique teapot and write until my head comes off. It's not impossible, but at the moment, it's still a fantasy. My ultimate "yay" moment would be if I bought this piece of land and gorgeous house with money I'd earned from story ideas and writing. That would be amazing.

I've been complaining to people about my surroundings and environment not being conducive to creativity; that some of the people in this city need to make more of an effort in the creativity department. The truth is, I am being silly. Creativity is in my head, and it doesn't matter if everyone in the city was raving on creativity, it would change nothing for me unless I started working on being creative myself. I'mt saying I'm not creative, because I am. And I am constantly working on projects. It's just that I need to stop trying to push everyone else to be creative until I am completely creatively fulfilled in my own. And I'm not yet.

Being creative, for me, means writing. As you probably know, I love writing! I have written several children's stories and concepts and continue to work on those. I love them so much! Writing children's stories and thinking up characters, settings and plots is the most fulfilling thing. It makes me feel alive and it gives me hope. And the most magical thing about this is that it's all in my head. I don't need to step outside to feel this wonderful thing. I've always said, if I was locked up in room, all I'd need to stay happy is a pen and paper. Okay, I'd probably have to have some water, food and a bathroom too, but you know what I mean.

I am lucky to have a job that fosters my writing. I write a variety of things, from coporate copy to magazine writing, releases and so on. And I'm grateful for that. I think, the more one writes, the better one gets. Even this blog is helping me improve my writing.

But one thing I do feel a little guilty about is not writing enough 'adult' stuff, and when I say that, I do not mean porn. I mean non-children books. I have several ideas which I have jotted down the initial points for, but I haven't made enough time to work on them. Aman, my husband, says that I am very busy; working a full time job and then doing my own writing in the evening, and that it must be hard to decide what to work on with so many ideas floating around. And he's right. But that's no excuse. I want to write all the time! I think it's time for me to start spending more time on my big people stories as well.

So, that's what I am going to try and do.

I'd love to learn how to cook delicious things (I am watching Julie and Julia as I write this - how inspiring!) and I'd love to learn how to paint, to sew, to knit, to draw.... But the truth is, for now, my creative skill is writing, and I really need to work on it until I'm living in a gorgeous house on a beautiful piece of land with my gorgeous husband, writing my head off with a delicious cup of tea poured from an antique teapot.

See you in the garden. :)

A little piece of happiness

I’ve just read a really sarcastic blog entry with an ugly undertone. On top of that, I recently received a woe-is-me email about how crap the world is and how shit men are. Not to mention a Facebook status revealing the sad state of the day, and a Tweet complaining about “people who just don’t care anymore”.



So you’re angry huh? You feel as though the world is out to get you because you’re not in love with your wife anymore, the man you thought loved you to death is leaving you for someone else, you can’t shag your best friend no matter how hard you try, your fancy car isn’t working, you’re moving to a new country, you can’t afford a Gucci bag. And because you think you’re no good at real face-to-face conversations (you know, when you sit down with your friends and actually talk) you feel the need to take it out on everyone else by blogging/emailing/Facebooking/Twittering that people are full of shit, that it’s all over for planet earth, that civilization is ruined! RUINED!


Please. Please for the sake of all everyone in your immediate physical or virtual space, get over it.


The truth is life is tough. Even if you’ve got a great job, a leather armchair, a good book, your favourite cupcake and a peck on the cheek, one day soon you’re probably going to feel like crap. Whether it’s for five minutes, an hour or a few weeks, feeling shit happens to everyone. And you know what else? You’ll get over it. And if you don’t, you either need to be on medication, book into therapy or realise that you actually like being angry and find someone who actually cares. Hey, if your relationships and friendships are being run in real life and not solely through your Blackberry or computer, you might even be able to find two people who care!


Twittering/Facebooking/blogging/mailing/texting angry bits and pieces professing your passion for life and humanity but putting people down in the process (hypocrite much?) doesn’t help you or anyone else. Don’t get me wrong; sarcasm can be cool. For about half an hour. Then everyone who is subjected to hearing it just feels like crap.


I’m not suggesting you refrain from bitching, moaning or being sarcastic forever-more. I’m just saying that when anger and sarcasm becomes your trademark it starts getting boring. And tedious. And tiring. And then the next thing you know – oops - people don’t really want to talk to you anymore because you bring them down. The occasional bitchy Facebook status, Tweet, blog, mail or text is fine, but if you have a shitty attitude all the time, you have a problem. People are staying in touch with you because they like you. (Unless you have a blog in which case they are probably reading it whether they know you well or not because they like your writing or content.) They don’t want to hear how useless you think they are, especially when they all know it’s really you that has the problem, not being able to sort your own anger issues out and taking it out on everyone around you by being passive aggressive or just being a plain ass. And no, being creative or smart or winning awards or having good hair or cracking jokes 24 hours a day or earning good money does not exempt you from this. Your shit stinks as much as the rest of us.


I am sure that deep, deep down under that thick layer of sarcasm, anger, beer, bitterness, sadness and drama you might very well be creating for yourself, there’s a little piece of happy just waiting for a chance to push through the crap and be victorious.


So you want to help the little man, the minority, the underdog? You want to save the world, reduce suffering and help the underprivileged? Then help happiness. In this day and age it’s having a real hard time being heard.

In Response to 'I need some change'

Remember that letter I wrote about 'change' in the city I live in? (That's change for a rainy day, not change for revolution...) Well, I sent it off to The National, a local paper, and they wrote a little story on it. I do find it a pity they said I was from the UK and called me a Ms, and I am not entirely sure I would have written it the same way as they did, but at least the idea got out there.

I know that I have been a slacker when it comes to my blog, but for all of my two fans out there, I will write something so soon you won't even know what to do with yourself! ;)

Choes choes.
Angelita

Just laugh

Sometimes in life, you need to laugh.
Technically, you need to laugh all the time in this day and age because otherwise you'll probably burst into tears, but let's not get into that right now.

So, here are some funny sites you should check out:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/
http://www.omodern.com/
http://www.lileks.com/institute/

And a video! Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YO9gDG63o5U

I'd like some change

Aman (my husband) and I went to the Shindagha Carrefour a few nights ago to do some shopping.



We spent AED187.75 and paid AED190 cash to the cashier. (For those who don't know, AED is Dirhams which is the currency of the United Arab Emirates.)


A basic calculation reveals that the expected change I was meant to receive amounted to AED2.25.


What I actually received was AED 2, because the cashier “did not have 25 fils”.

Now, you might be wondering how an amount as seemingly small as 25 fils might inspire me to write an entire blog post. You see, it’s not necessarily this specific 25 fils that I’m never going to see that irks me, it’s the cashier’s assumption that I don’t need my 25 fils, and that I won’t ask for it. And, in my experience, this 25 fils situation happens often, in petrol stations (in the form of gum being handed back to customers instead of their change), supermarkets and taxis across Dubai.

Okay, so I have a relatively decent paying job and I can afford to ‘lose’ 25 fils occasionally, but I find that our city is filled with businesses that simply “don’t have change”. When you start adding up the amounts of change you’re not being given - even when it’s rightfully owed to you - it amounts to a small fortune.

A case in point: I catch a cab from home to work and back everyday as it doesn’t cost as much as renting a car and saves me money in the form of parking fees, not to mention the stress of finding parking and facing traffic. The average drive to work and back comes to about AED26 a day (AED13 to work and AED13 back home). Now, on the majority of my work days, the taxi drivers driving me simply “don’t have change”, which means I have to leave them a AED2 “tip” (assuming I pay them with a ten and a fiver) even if the taxi stank and the driver was rude and driving like a bat out of hell.
Add all this involuntary tipping up and you’ll see I’m paying AED30 a day instead of AED26 a day, meaning my monthly taxi expenses to work and back come to AED600 per month instead of the AED520 it would cost if I chose not to tip. “So, it’s only AED80 you say”. Well, I can think of several things I’d like to have that cost AED80, including a rather stylish clutch bag that’s now on sale during DSS.
It’s not that I don’t like tipping. I do tip when I think it’s deserved. I just don’t appreciate the assumption that I don’t need my change. Let’s be honest, if I owed Carrefour AED23 and simply told them “I don’t have the change”, they’d laugh at me.

I did another basic calculation relating to the above, illustrating how – in the case of big organisations especially – this bad “I don’t have change” habit can lead to major profits that essentially land in the organisations’ pockets without them having to do anything.
Let’s assume 10,000 people shop at the Shindagha Carrefour everyday.


Let’s assume every one of those 10,000 people is not given their 25 fils in change.


That comes AED2,500 everyday.


If Carrefour is open seven days a week and makes AED2,500 in this manner everyday, it’s making an additional AED17,500 a week, and AED70,000 a month.
Some people may think this is petty, but I have resorted to insisting that I get my change whenever possible, unless of course I’ve been provided with excellent service.


I’ve learnt my lesson. Added up, 25 fils is clearly worth a chunk of money.

Finally

What....a.....flippin......week.

From GREAT news to shit news, I've had one of those weeks where it feels like Bruce Lee smacked me upside the head and I am still reeling.

This is what I learnt:
1.) When things get really tough (or exceptionally good), everyone is an expert.
2.) When things get tough, very few people pick up the phone to ask you how you are.
3.) When things go well everyone picks up the phone to see how you are.
4.) That certain medical facilities are just businesses and that they really want to 'treat' you (read: operate and sell you drugs) because it makes them money.
5.) That some doctors will lie to you and then other doctors (who you happen to do work for) will tell you the truth about those doctors!
6.) That roast chicken is really good.

With that, I now have to get back to work.
But not without attaching the link to a song.
Cheers peeps. And have a good weekend.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9K4BKkLaCI

Just bitchin'

Today is not a particularly bad day; nor is it a particularly good day. But if I had to put the good and bad on a scale, I would say the bad is kind of outweighing the good in some minor ways.

I have a meeting with a client in about an hour and so - instead of being  a good girl and doing some more work - I thought I would, you know, call you up and have a bitching session. So, here I am, having a bitching session. About my day.

This morning I couldn't wake up. You see, in summer in this city (which one cannot name for fear of deportation and various other things... oh, now you know where I live!) it's ridiculoulsly hot outside and absolutely freezing inside because of the air conditioning.
I was so snuggly and warm and cosy and happy and all other kitten-like adjectives in my bed this morning that I could not - to be honest- have given an absolute rat's arsed damn about getting up, except, well I need the god damn money.

So I got up. Then I showered. Then I came to work where the air con is turned so f***ing high (low?) that when I go and make tea (you know, to defrost my veins)  it starts snowing at the sink. Seriously.
Then I went to my desk and turned on my computer. Then my computer decided that it didn't like my face so it froze. Which is ironic because the office is so freezing. So I sat down and sighed.

Luckily this morning my taxi driver was friendly. Yesterday I had a real waffle for a taxi driver. He was sweet, but played it thick as all hell.
Firstly, let me ask all of you taxi drivers (yeah, I know there are hundreds of taxi drivers who read this blog) how can you NOT carry change? I mean, do you really expect me to believe that day-in and day-out, you have no f***ing change? Seriously? I have to pay an extra two dirhams everyday because YOU do not have change. I mean, WTF? (By the way I have now made a vow that I will not leave any taxi without exact change. Even the guy has to get his itchy ass out the car and get it for me.)
Secondly, is it really necessary to:
a.) Scratch your arse and/or nuts while I am in the car?
b.) Swear at passing cars in a language I don't understand with your hair all sticking up and your eyes all squint like a psycho?
c.) Stare at me in the rearview. (I can see you arsewipe! It's called a mirror!)

Right now, as I write, my computer's hard drive sounds like it's going to take off and the screen keeps freezing like Paris Hilton having a conversation with Albert Einstein.
Sigh.

Plus, I just ordered a cheap toasted sandwich (I am broke and only get paid in a few days) which had cucumber on it. Who the f*** puts cucumber on a toasted sandwich? I mean, chef, has your mother got mental problems that she taught you to put cucumber on toasted bread? Huh? HUH?

And now, with an ice cream headache, a stomach full of toasted cucumber (*weeps uncontrollaby*) and a computer that's not cooperating, I need to leave to go to a meeting I would much rather swap for cocktails on a beach in Thailand.

Such is life.

If you feel like bitchin' too, the comment box is just below. Bitch away!

Over and out,
Walnut

Top Three Greenies

From beer that’s going to save the world to wrapping your bike around a pole without crashing, and turning goop to gas, here are three of the coolest green news stories from the past few weeks.


Wrapping Your Bike around a Pole


You know when someone has a bad bike accident and witnesses say, “He wrapped his bike around the pole”? Well, now you really can – without having an accident!

Twenty-one-year old British student, Kevin Scott (who looks remarkably like Luke Wilson!), has designed a bendable bike that allows you to literally wrap your beloved two-wheeler around a pole and then lock up both tyres at the same time! Smart!

Scott’s ingenious design came about after he’d had enough of trying to fit a six-foot bike into a rack that was only a few inches wide.

The bike has a ratchet mechanism that’s rigid and bendable but not at the same time. So how it works is when you jump off your bike to park it, you push a lever on the frame and the bike becomes flexible.

The De Montfort University graduate (and his wrap-up bike) was runner-up in the Business Design Centre New Designer of the Year Award and says he’s planning to commercialise the design in the near future.


Drink More Beer; Save Energy!


Just when you thought beer couldn’t get any better! A UK-based plant will soon start converting waste from a local brewery into energy. Yup, you heard right.

The waste from about 600 pints of beer is said to be able to heat a home for a day and with Brits gulping down 28million pints a day, there’s more than enough waste to go round.

The new plant - called the Adnams Bio Energy Anaerobic Digestion Plant - will use brewery waste and local food waste to produce a renewable gas called biomethane that will be fed back into the UK’s national gas grid. By diverting waste from landfill, the plant will also prevent the release of the greenhouse gas methane into the atmosphere.

It’s thought that the plant could produce up to 4.9 million kilowatt-hours of energy annually – enough to heat 235 homes for a year. It will also produce gas that can be used as a liquid fuel. According to a study by the UK’s National Grid, biomethane could account for at least 15 percent of domestic gas consumption by 2020.


From Goop to Gas


Algae may look disgusting but the truth is it could be fuelling your car in future. According to media reports, pond scum (which contains algae) is raking in the cash, with industry and governments pouring billions into it in an attempt to unlock algal power. It makes sense, really.

Algae, the single-celled phytoplankton that produce half of our planet’s oxygen are the fastest-growing green organisms currently known to man. On land – in shallow seawater ponds – they can use sunlight and sewage to turn concentrated carbon dioxide into usable hydrocarbons, half of which can almost be poured straight into a diesel engine.

According to those in the know, ten million hectares of algae could supply all US transportation fuel! If that’s not impressive enough, algae can also live in seawater in the desert!

Last year oil giant ExxonMobil committed $600 million to develop algal fuels with genome pioneer Craig Venter. And John Benemann, formerly a lead investigator on the ASP, estimates that $2billion could be flowing into algal energy projects between 2009 and 2011.

ExxonMobil believes it will be able to sell algal diesel through existing refineries and petrol stations. They may be right. Just last month the first jet engine powered entirely by algae oil flew at an air show in Berlin, Germany.

Something like a Phenomenon

We're all a bit weird, right? Right. Therefore, we obviously come from a weird place, ie: the planet. And I don't mean weird like the guy that sat next you in high school and twitched and snarfled like he had another dude living in his brain that he could talk to, I mean weird like magical, mystical, amazing, incredibly weird. Check out these three strange phenomena that you probably haven't heard about. (If you have, kudos to you. You're, like, really kiff and stuff.)

The Eternal Storm

Slip on your wellies; this is a wet one. (It's also a bit complicated and sad because due to drought, this phenomenon has allegedly not been seen very much this year. ) The Relampago del Catatumbo (Catatumbo Lightning) is an amazing phenomenon that happens on the mouth of the Catatumbo river at Lake Maracaibo in Venezuela. The Catatumbo cloud-to-cloud lightning forms a voltage arc more than five kilometres high for 140 to 160 nights of the year, for ten hours a night, lighting up the skies as many as 280 times an hour. This almost permanent storm is thought to be the greatest single generator of ozone on the planet and is often visible up to 400km away! Some local environmentalists are pushing for the area to fall under the protection of UNESCO. I agree! (And I hope it comes back soon.) Check this out: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/mar/05/venezuela-lighting-el-nino

The Rain of Fish

Get out the barbecue people. It's time for a fish braai. Between the months of May and July it's said that a certain area called the Departamento de Yoro in Honduras experiences, quite literally, a rain of fish. Apparently, the "rain" starts off as a dark cloud, followed by lightning, thunder, strong winds and havy rains for two to three hours. Then once the rain is done, waddya know, you got fish lying all over your lawn. Sweet. Since 1998 the city of Yoro has been hosting a festival called "Festival de la Lluvia de Pesces' (Rain of Fish Festival) to celebrate their (probably stinky) fortune. Gives new meaning to the English-Italian phrase "you'll be sleeping with the fishes".

The Longest Wave

Twice a year between February and March, some of the Atlantic Ocean is said to take a vacation up the Amazon river in Brazil, generating the longest wave known on Earth. Called Pororoca, the wave is caused by the tides of the Atlantic meeting the the mouth of the river. The "meeting" can create waves up to 12ft high and can last for over an hour. The wave can be heard 30 minutes before its arrival (hence the name Pororoca, which means "great destructive noise") and can destroy virtually anything in its path. That doesn't stop the surfers from having a go on it though.

Taking Flight

Firstly, sorry I have been slack at keeping my blog up to date.

Last week was crazy and I hardly had time to go to the loo. TMI, I know. ;)

But I am back! Woooohhhhh hhooooohhh!

So, I am a bit travel obsessed at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I am always travel obsessed but it's more intense at the moment because I found out that flydubai.com had some crazy ass flight specials which inspired me to log onto travel websites, contact travel centres and basically do some research about getting away. (The specials I am talking about expired exactly 47 minutes ago UAE time, but log onto http://www.flydubai.com/ anyway because they always have specials.)

Anyway, this entry is the result of my research. And oh my hat! There are some damn amazing places to visit on this planet. (I don't get to travel nearly enough. Hoping that changes in the future.)

If you're planning on leaving on a jet plane but have no idea where you want to go or what you want to do, have no fear! Here are three awesome places you can head to on your next holiday. (Depending on what kind of mood you think you might be in at the time.)

You feel like: Hitting a tropical hot spot and blowing all your money.

Head to: Bora Bora

Okay, so it's highly unlikely you want to head to a tropical island to blow all your cash, but if you are very rich and you haven't been to Bora Bora, it looks like the place to be. Think Azure waters, white beaches, soft waving palm trees and sipping on a pina colada in the pool. The upsides to this destination are obvious; sun, fun, cocktails. The downsides; it's frikkin expensive. Emphasise the frikkin. Check out www.tahiti-tourisme.com/islands/borabora/bore-bora.asp

If you can't afford Bora Bora: Head to the Maldives. Just as pretty and somewhat less expensive.

You feel like: Saving the pandas

Head to: China

So you've always wanted to cuddle a panda and possibly save it from extinction at the same time? Then this is the holiday for you. Head to China and spend a few weeks in a giant panda sanctuary working as a volunteer and saving these gorgeous creatures from extinction. You'll be involved with feeding and observing the pandas, as well as helping with important research projects.

If pandas aren't your thing: There are literally thousands of volunteer holidays across the world you can choose from. You can work with wildlife, children, the underpriveleged, disaster-hit areas, and more. Check out http://www.gapyearforgrownups.co.uk/ for ideas on where to holiday and help.

You feel like: Learning to surf somewhere exotic

Head to: Taghazout in Morrocco

You might not have thunk it, but Morrocco is a surfing hot spot and boasts a gazillion stunning beaches. If you'd like to learn how to surf (or know how to surf and just want to hit somenew waves) head to Taghazout on Morrocco's Atlantic coast. Only 40min from the Agadir International Airport, Taghazout's warm waters and super chilled atmosphere will have you extending your stay in no time. Rumour has it that Surf Maroc is the company to go for if you're planning a surfing holiday in the area. What's more, if you book with them they will organise your flights, accommodation, food and travel. Bonus! Check out their website on http://www.surfmaroc.co.uk/

If you're not up for Morrocco: What's wrong with you? Okay, I will let you off this time. Fly to the planet's surfer haven, Bali. It's like, radical, dude. Check out www.odysseysurfschool.com for an idea of what to expect.

See you on the plane!

Keep it Tidy

I'm doing a lot of environmental-based stuff at work at the moment and realising how much crap I accumulate. What's more, ALL of it goes in the bin.

I recently went to visit a landfill (for work) and got a first hand feel (and smell) of what goes on at a landfill. People, it's not pretty, but it's not nearly as bad as it looks. BUT, the truth is, if we don't start making a concerted effort with regards to recycling, the planet is going to be f***ed.

Without sounding like a hippie, everyone should be popping stuff in recycling bins and at recycling depots. It doesn't really take thaaaat long to separate your waste, does it? I don't do it, but I should really try and get my act together....

The Great Soccer Debate

Yes, in South Africa we call football 'soccer'. And there's virtually nothing you can do about it.

All that aside, if there's one thing that riles up the boys in my group of friends, it's soccer.

Look at this debate a bunch of them (and one girl) had over email today.

It covers so many opinions and thoughts about soccer from so many different angles - and from both sexes - it's almost Pulitzer Prize winning. ;) I took the liberty of putting all their thoughts together to write a column-style piece that they can claim as their own. (Don't ever say I don't use my friends as inspiration...)

The Great Soccer Debate
By Bimamindrea

Yesterday's England versus Germany match was amazing; definitely the most action packed and entertaining game yet.

Having said that, the match was probably more amazing for those who aren't English.

Question for you, England team. Where the hell was your defence? Sipping tea behind the stadium? I mean, for gin's sake, your team was beaten by what some would describe as an under par German team. By four points!

Despite the three-goal-ahead setback, Lampard's near attempt at scoring a goal from 34 metres away was impressive. Although Germany did play well, I believe the final score should have been 4-2. After all, if the goal had counted, the outcome would have been entirely different.

Let's break it down like an Englishman might, shall we? Apart from two superb textbook counter-attacks from Germany, England dominated the attack. The fact that they were caught short in defence four times has to hurt. Whatever the case, the fact of the matter is that the England team was never complete. Take a misfiring striker with no one to partner him, add an injured captain, two second-choice defenders and rumours of arguments in the camp and you've got a recipe for disaster - and an A-choice topic for sour losers to harp on.

Now, let's play the devil's advocate and take it from the point of view of someone that's closer to Germany - or married to a Swiss. Even if England did score the infamous (non) second goal, it would not have changed the fact the Muller scored twice. So, the England team was attacking, but perhaps they weren't following through enough.

Having said all this, the way a team plays at 2-2 is very different to the way they might play being a goal down. Perhaps the England team would have played a more structured game had they scored the second goal, instead of committing too many people forward to attempt a goal and level the scores.

Whatever the case, there's another question that's just begging to be asked. Aren't these men professional soccer players? Keeping in mind that they earn exorbitant amounts of money and have endless chances to excel playing against other top-notch players from around the globe, isn't it time they pulled a few tricks out of the bag and justified their salaries?

It's not just England. Look at the high-schoolesque antics of this year's FIFA in general; French in-fighting, Green messing up because of his personal relationships, the soccer ball being labelled as 'misshapen'. The list goes on.

The only thing England can do now is hope that Germany doesn't rant about the win for as long as England did after the World Cup in 1966; meaning 44 years. Perhaps its time England stop believing its own hype, realise it's an average team that wasn't good enough to compete with bigger teams and hire some bigger players. Like Lionel Messi.

To all those humiliated and disappointed English fans, pucker up. There's always 2014.